After months, maybe even years of relentless taunting and baiting by the apparently upstanding Mr. Moki, I have finally discovered the real reason for his unquenchable series of attacks against me and my choice of cigars. In particular, what was the basis for his unhinged, almost maniacal obsession with my enjoyment of the delicious CAO flavored cigars?
It finally got bad enough that I hired a private detective to follow this nutcase around for a few months. And now I have my answer. It is none other than pure, unadulterated MOONTRANCE ENVY! Yep, you heard it here first.
As the mild-mannered top executive of a prominent technology concern, apparently, Mr. Moki must maintain a strict facade which includes a professed disdain for cigars deemed inappropriate to his high station. Apparently, the CAO Moontrance is one such cigar.
As a result of my intensive investigations I have learned that Mr. Moki is a closet Moontrance fiend! That's right, away from the prying eyes of the public and the paparrazi, this man is never without a Moontrance between his teeth, clenched between his stained and aromatic fingers or BOTH. But don't take my word for it, look at these photos and decide for yourself.
But believe me when I say it's not a pretty sight. While I enjoy the occasional Moontrance after a hard day flogging undergrads, Mr. Moki is a slave to the Moontrance's intricate blend of natural exotic fruit and bourbon vanilla. He can't seem to get enough of the essence of sweet Georgia peaches and white Hawaiian honey. He has become a slave to the Moontrance's blend of mild Dominican tobaccos and Grade One Cameroon wrapper.
Note: In the following photos, the identities of the innocent have been obscured to protect them from the shame and degradation that will surely be heaped on them by associating with such a repressed and deviant personality as Mr. Moki.
Photo #1: Beer and Moontrance apparently DO go together!
When Mr. Moki goes out on the town on his frequent Pabst Blue Ribbon binges, his cigar of choice is...you guessed it: Moontrance.
Photo #2: I'd fly 14,000 miles just so I can smoke a Moontrance in public!!
Sometimes the pressure to set free his inner Moontrance becomes so great that Mr. Moki will take whatever action is required to allow him to relish a Moontrance in public but unseen by his employees, family, and members of his congregation. This photo was taken in a restaurant somewhere in Tokyo. Notice the look of shock and rage at his having been photographed in public with a Moontrance in his mouth!
Photo #3: The Druids were infamous Moontrance worshippers!!!
In the course of my investigations, I discovered that the secret Mooontrance formula was NOT a creation of the CAO cigar company. In fact, this blend of herbs and spices was used as far back as 10,000 B.C. by the Druids. They would smoke Moontrance after Moontrance, inhaling the rich, sweet aromatics until they reached a trance state whereby their priests would then channel Gaia, the Earth Mother.
Here is Mr. Moki standing in front of Stonehenge. My informant tells me that he made this clandestine trip to the UK with the express intent of participating in lewd and erotic pagan rituals, involving...you guessed it again, smoking massive amounts of Moontrance cigars.
Photo #4: The sad, sad results of a lifetime of repressed Moontrance addiction!!!!
While the occasional Moontrance can delight and refresh with its delightfully refreshing blend of fruit and spice flavors, unrestrained use over years and years can lead to spiralling addiction and ultimately the dreaded end condition, "Moontrance Madness." Let me tell you, "Roid Rage" ain't got nothing on this psychosis. Constant exposure to the complex molecules in a Moontrance has been shown in monkeys and gerbils to result in feelings of paranoia, anxiety, and intense obsession with ones own genitals. Notice the unfocused pupils, fixated grimace and enlarged gums. Folks, this is not a well man.
Photo #5: The root of all evil...in Mr. Moki!!!!!
The saddest thing you'll ever see is a junky staring at his last fix. It's with a mixture of desperation and elation that a Moontrance-a-holic grasps his last cigar. Will I be able to hit the gas station for another fiver before the sun comes up? What if my lighter runs dry? I wonder if my housekeeper can smell sweet vanilla and honey on my breath? Hell with it! I have to smoke it!!! Give this man your pity, but remember, he's as much a victim as victimizer. Notice the calluses? Don't believe him when he tells you it's from excessive masturbation. If only his sickness were that wholesome. No, those are symptomatic of cedar abrasion from gripping stick after stick after stick, month after month, year after year.
And so now you know the TRUTH. Maybe, just maybe, now that Mr. Moki has been outed, he can seek the help he so desperately needs.
I'm begging you, Mr. Moki, contact your priest or the local MAA* office. It's not going to get better after the next Moontrance, or the next. There is a way out, but first you have to let the love in.
Wilkey
*Moontrance Addicts Anonymous
It finally got bad enough that I hired a private detective to follow this nutcase around for a few months. And now I have my answer. It is none other than pure, unadulterated MOONTRANCE ENVY! Yep, you heard it here first.
As the mild-mannered top executive of a prominent technology concern, apparently, Mr. Moki must maintain a strict facade which includes a professed disdain for cigars deemed inappropriate to his high station. Apparently, the CAO Moontrance is one such cigar.
As a result of my intensive investigations I have learned that Mr. Moki is a closet Moontrance fiend! That's right, away from the prying eyes of the public and the paparrazi, this man is never without a Moontrance between his teeth, clenched between his stained and aromatic fingers or BOTH. But don't take my word for it, look at these photos and decide for yourself.
But believe me when I say it's not a pretty sight. While I enjoy the occasional Moontrance after a hard day flogging undergrads, Mr. Moki is a slave to the Moontrance's intricate blend of natural exotic fruit and bourbon vanilla. He can't seem to get enough of the essence of sweet Georgia peaches and white Hawaiian honey. He has become a slave to the Moontrance's blend of mild Dominican tobaccos and Grade One Cameroon wrapper.
Note: In the following photos, the identities of the innocent have been obscured to protect them from the shame and degradation that will surely be heaped on them by associating with such a repressed and deviant personality as Mr. Moki.
Photo #1: Beer and Moontrance apparently DO go together!
When Mr. Moki goes out on the town on his frequent Pabst Blue Ribbon binges, his cigar of choice is...you guessed it: Moontrance.
Photo #2: I'd fly 14,000 miles just so I can smoke a Moontrance in public!!
Sometimes the pressure to set free his inner Moontrance becomes so great that Mr. Moki will take whatever action is required to allow him to relish a Moontrance in public but unseen by his employees, family, and members of his congregation. This photo was taken in a restaurant somewhere in Tokyo. Notice the look of shock and rage at his having been photographed in public with a Moontrance in his mouth!
Photo #3: The Druids were infamous Moontrance worshippers!!!
In the course of my investigations, I discovered that the secret Mooontrance formula was NOT a creation of the CAO cigar company. In fact, this blend of herbs and spices was used as far back as 10,000 B.C. by the Druids. They would smoke Moontrance after Moontrance, inhaling the rich, sweet aromatics until they reached a trance state whereby their priests would then channel Gaia, the Earth Mother.
Here is Mr. Moki standing in front of Stonehenge. My informant tells me that he made this clandestine trip to the UK with the express intent of participating in lewd and erotic pagan rituals, involving...you guessed it again, smoking massive amounts of Moontrance cigars.
Photo #4: The sad, sad results of a lifetime of repressed Moontrance addiction!!!!
While the occasional Moontrance can delight and refresh with its delightfully refreshing blend of fruit and spice flavors, unrestrained use over years and years can lead to spiralling addiction and ultimately the dreaded end condition, "Moontrance Madness." Let me tell you, "Roid Rage" ain't got nothing on this psychosis. Constant exposure to the complex molecules in a Moontrance has been shown in monkeys and gerbils to result in feelings of paranoia, anxiety, and intense obsession with ones own genitals. Notice the unfocused pupils, fixated grimace and enlarged gums. Folks, this is not a well man.
Photo #5: The root of all evil...in Mr. Moki!!!!!
The saddest thing you'll ever see is a junky staring at his last fix. It's with a mixture of desperation and elation that a Moontrance-a-holic grasps his last cigar. Will I be able to hit the gas station for another fiver before the sun comes up? What if my lighter runs dry? I wonder if my housekeeper can smell sweet vanilla and honey on my breath? Hell with it! I have to smoke it!!! Give this man your pity, but remember, he's as much a victim as victimizer. Notice the calluses? Don't believe him when he tells you it's from excessive masturbation. If only his sickness were that wholesome. No, those are symptomatic of cedar abrasion from gripping stick after stick after stick, month after month, year after year.
And so now you know the TRUTH. Maybe, just maybe, now that Mr. Moki has been outed, he can seek the help he so desperately needs.
I'm begging you, Mr. Moki, contact your priest or the local MAA* office. It's not going to get better after the next Moontrance, or the next. There is a way out, but first you have to let the love in.
Wilkey
*Moontrance Addicts Anonymous
