Thought’s Dad Joke Thread

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $50 would you buy booze?
He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $50 will you buy motorcycle parts? He again said no, he got rid of his sled 15 years ago.
So then I said I'll do you better than $50. I'll take you home get you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $50.
He asked me, won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking or riding motorcycles !
 
Saw an ad in the paper for a 'talking dog for sale' the other day...

Figured it was at least something interesting to check out. So, on my day off, I called the guy and he invited me over to his house to take a look at the dog.

"the dog really talks?" I says

"yup, sure does. He's in the back corner, just walk up and say hello."

So I mosey on over to the back fence and there he is, in a small fenced in area, just sitting and staring up at the sky.

"Hello" I says.

"Hello to you as well," the dog says, without moving his head.

Holy shit, this dog can talk. The owner comes walking over and without hesitation I ask, "How, how is it he can talk?"

The dog turned towards me and looks me in the eye as he starts his story, "woke up in the field one day...no idea what happened or how I obtained this ability. Walked to the nearest town 12 miles away by following the human signs only to be picked up by the local PD. A few calls were made to news centers and newspaper outlets, but that came to a halt once the government found out about me. I was picked up a week later by guys in suits and blacked out vehicles and taken to an unknown site. There, they trained me for years in covert ops and espionage. I was sent overseas to different villages and cities, undercover as a normal dog, only to gather intel and send back what I had learned behind enemy lines, all while trying not to get EATEN! It wasn't until this last year that they decided to retire me and to avoid suspicion, they were planning on taking me out to a field to 'old yeller' me. Thankfully, I escaped and traveled for weeks before Rett here picked me up. I have been here since then helping him tend to his cows and sheep."

"Wow.....that's impressive....just....wow." I turn towards Rett, "how much for the dog???"

Rett looks at me without any interest in his eyes whatsoever, "$10"

"$10!?! Really??? Why so little???" I say, shocked after hearing that story.

Rett looks at me and frowns, "Cause he's a liar. None of that is true. My name is Joe, I work at a bank. You see any cattle or sheep here? And we picked him up from the pound 7 years ago that got him from a testing facility..."

Moral of the story: Sometimes its best that dogs don't talk :)
 
I do love some good cookies.

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