Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so
the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best
friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in
and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yep,he's burnt
pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it aint Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he
brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said,
"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over The mortician rolled him over
and
Sean looked down and said, "No,it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked,"How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What............., he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said,
"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A
voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge
continued, "You are also charged with beating your Mother-in-Law to
death
with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing
b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of
the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and
frustration at this crime, but will not have any more of these outbursts
from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen
years
I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a
****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"
Two Irish couples decide to swap partners. After two hours of sex one says "I wonder how the girls are getting on...?"
Two irishmen are out of work and they go down to the job market. There's a sign on the board: "Tree fellers wanted."
Paddy said "Aint dat just our luck, Murphy. Here dey are wantin' tree fellers an' dere's just the two of us..."
One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
"And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
