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King for the holidays contest
- Thread starter moki
- Start date
MilesMingusMonk
Breaking Wind Master
- Joined
- Nov 17, 2003
- Messages
- 3,547
KayakinBoy
I was raised in the canebrake by an ol' mama lion
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Messages
- 5,133
wow, thanks for the NOT SAFE FOR WORK PIC!
Please make it a link and put NSFW beside it.
Please make it a link and put NSFW beside it.
A Senior Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest, And all of us
seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest, And all of us
seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.
Matt R
That's #1 Member to you. :)
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2001
- Messages
- 5,987
Matt R
That's #1 Member to you. :)
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2001
- Messages
- 5,987
Matt R
That's #1 Member to you. :)
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2001
- Messages
- 5,987
Matt R
That's #1 Member to you. :)
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2001
- Messages
- 5,987
:sign: 
hudsonvalley
MMMM...Ember
- Joined
- Sep 26, 2004
- Messages
- 1,581
Santa's identity has been a secret from time immemorial. But I have deduced that he is actually a FOG on this board. Here are the clues:
Just like a FOG:
1. He spends most of the year sitting around in his underwear.
2. He knows instantly who is good and who is bad and his judgement cannot be appealed.
3. He is overweight and comfortable with it.
4. He considers it only natural that a whole forum be devoted to just him.
5. Like the FOGs on the board (apologies to Mrs. Claus for brooching the subject) Santa comes but once a year on average.
Just like a FOG:
1. He spends most of the year sitting around in his underwear.
2. He knows instantly who is good and who is bad and his judgement cannot be appealed.
3. He is overweight and comfortable with it.
4. He considers it only natural that a whole forum be devoted to just him.
5. Like the FOGs on the board (apologies to Mrs. Claus for brooching the subject) Santa comes but once a year on average.
12 Redneck Days of Christmas
12 pack of Bud
11 wrestling tickets
10 cans of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Redman
6 cans of Spam
5 Flannel Shirts
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and a part to a Mustang GT
12 pack of Bud
11 wrestling tickets
10 cans of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Redman
6 cans of Spam
5 Flannel Shirts
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and a part to a Mustang GT
Here's another....
Walking in a Winter Wonderland
Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Walking in a Winter Wonderland
Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
ggiese
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2004
- Messages
- 5,091
... BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or nothing."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.
ggiese
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2004
- Messages
- 5,091
... Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.
Iv ben a good Boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a freakin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa (CoventryCat86) Claus
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire
truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your freakin house. Then you'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with!
Santa (JoeM) Claus
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa (MattR) Claus
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Francis...FRANCIS! Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays? How 'bout I get you a Barbie and Ken doll FRANCIS! ...hahahahahahahahaha. Tell me Francis, do you get punched in the face alot in school? hehehehehohoho
Santa (GodFather) Claus
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.
Iv ben a good Boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a freakin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa (CoventryCat86) Claus
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire
truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your freakin house. Then you'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with!
Santa (JoeM) Claus
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa (MattR) Claus
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Francis...FRANCIS! Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays? How 'bout I get you a Barbie and Ken doll FRANCIS! ...hahahahahahahahaha. Tell me Francis, do you get punched in the face alot in school? hehehehehohoho
Santa (GodFather) Claus
ggiese
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2004
- Messages
- 5,091
... Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged:
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .
PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .
PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
ggiese
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2004
- Messages
- 5,091
If I had 1 wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.
If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for:
1: All the Children of the world to sing together
2: $1,000,000 tax free
If I had 3 wishes this Christmas:
1: Kids singing together
2: $1,000,000 tax free per year for life
3: To have all encompassing power over the universe
If I had 4 wishes this Christmas:
1: The crap about the kids
2: $1,000,000
3: All encompassing power
4: 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days, brought about by 2 supermodels.
Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible.
So, let's rearrange:
1: All encompassing power
2: The orgasm
3: The money
OH! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in.
Now, my wish this Christmas would be:
1: The power
2: To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell
3. The orgasm
4. The Money
If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for:
1: All the Children of the world to sing together
2: $1,000,000 tax free
If I had 3 wishes this Christmas:
1: Kids singing together
2: $1,000,000 tax free per year for life
3: To have all encompassing power over the universe
If I had 4 wishes this Christmas:
1: The crap about the kids
2: $1,000,000
3: All encompassing power
4: 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days, brought about by 2 supermodels.
Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible.
So, let's rearrange:
1: All encompassing power
2: The orgasm
3: The money
OH! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in.
Now, my wish this Christmas would be:
1: The power
2: To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell
3. The orgasm
4. The Money