Why women drive us crazy!

[CigarStone]

If you're married or just in a committed relationship, you have probably encountered dozens of those little things that make you wish you were a bachelor......here's a few for me:

SCENARIO: We are due at a function

ME: How soon will you be ready?

HER: I just have to finish my hair and get dressed.

ME: Okay, let me try this another way, It's 7:15 now, what time can we leave?

HER: I'm almost done!

RESULT: I smile while thinking to myself "I don't need the f*%king play by play, I just need a f*%king time!"


SCENARIO: The night before we leave, at 8:00 AM, on a trip that requires a long drive, which has been planned for months.

ME: We're leaving at 8 tomorrow right?

HER: Yes

ME: So what time do you want me to get you up?!!!

HER: Whenever.

ME: How long do you need to get ready?!!!!!!!

HER: Oh for Christ sake, just wake me up at 7!

I wake her at 7 and finish last minute packing of the car and wake her again at 7:30

ME: It's 7:30, are you still going to be able to leave at 8?

HER: Yes!

RESULT: At 8:45 we both get in the car, madder than hell, for a nice long drive!


SCENARIO: I am having trouble finding am item which I had strategically placed under a pile of other stuff which was strategically placed.

ME: Have you seen my xxxxx?

HER: It's probably wherever you left it.

ME: That's not what I asked.....have you seen it?

HER: Why would I have seen it?

ME: Please answer my question......have you seen it?

HER: No!

ME: It was in the pile of my xxxxxx, did you do anything with it?

HER: No!.....Leave me alone!

10 minutes later I find the pile of stuff which is no longer on the kitchen table where I neatly left it, but is now part of a very disorganized pile of stuff in the laundry room!

ME: Did you move my pile of neatly organized stuff from the kitchen table and throw it in a f*%king pile in the laundry room?

HER: I told you my sister was coming over last night!

ME: Why the f*%k can't you ever just answer a question?

HER: f*%k you!

RESULT: That was our sex for the month!

Let's hear yours.................................

 

[insight]

Scenario: Finally have someone watching the kid for the night, time for a night out.

Me: So how about dinner and a movie?
Her: Sure whatever.
Me: What do you want to eat?
Her: Oh, I don't care you pick.
Me: Uhm... ok how about Sushi
Her: Why do you always want to get sushi?
Me: ok how about Steak?
Her: Can't we ever go anywhere I want to go?
Me: I thought you said you didn't care?
Her: YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!
Me: <just doesn't get it, abandons all hope> Ok so we will play it by ear, what movie should we see? Here are 5 movies playing nearby starting around the same time <list>
Her: I really don't care, they all sound fine.
Me: Ok lets see xxxxxx
Her: Why can't you ever pick a movie I like?

Rinse, repeat.

 

[Devil Doc]

I met an old Bluesman named Luther Guitar Johnson. He said to me, "Womens is the reason for the Blues."

Doc.

 

[haguc]

My wife also loves to move my piles of stuff which are strategically packed and organized. It's amazing how hard it can be to find something where you last left it when it was moved without your knowledge! :laugh:

 

[modo22]

Getting ready the night before a drive across country I place my car phone charger with ALL the car required electronics and cable needs....stuff that I would get that morning and be ready as I step in the car....All in one place right!?

Morning of;
ME: Have you seen my phone charger?
Her:No, I didn't touch it
ME: It was right here with all the other stuff on the couch that has now disappeared.
Her: I didn't touch it.
THIS GOES ON FOR 1 hour while I tore apart the couch and car.
Her: did you check the glove compartment?
ME: I didn't put it in there (she didn't touch it right)
ME: I look in the glove compartment minutes before we leave and its there

The idiot feeling you have when you realize you put it in there the night before but didn't remember until you saw it......Priceless!

 

[ironmike5]

Scenario: Finally have someone watching the kid for the night, time for a night out.

Me: So how about dinner and a movie?
Her: Sure whatever.
Me: What do you want to eat?
Her: Oh, I don't care you pick.
Me: Uhm... ok how about Sushi
Her: Why do you always want to get sushi?
Me: ok how about Steak?
Her: Can't we ever go anywhere I want to go?
Me: I thought you said you didn't care?
Her: YOU JUST DON'T GET IT!
Me: <just doesn't get it, abandons all hope> Ok so we will play it by ear, what movie should we see? Here are 5 movies playing nearby starting around the same time <list>
Her: I really don't care, they all sound fine.
Me: Ok lets see xxxxxx
Her: Why can't you ever pick a movie I like?

Rinse, repeat.

So true

 

[Not A Nice Person]

True story:

Stopped on the way home from work; bought wine, candy, flowers, card.

Get home:

ME: Happy birthday, honey.

HER: My birthday was YESTERDAY.

Oops. :blush:

~Boar

 

[iota]

HER: Were you just checking out her ass?

ME: Yes.

HER: WTF do you mean, "yes"?!

ME: What do you mean, "what do you mean?" She has a nice ass. I was looking at it.

HER: You can't look at her ass.

ME: Why not?

HER: Because it's disrespectful goddammit!

ME: I thought I was showing her ass exactly the amount of respect it deserved, honestly.

HER: To me, you fuck.

ME: Oh. Well turn around and I'll look at yours too. If I remember correctly, it's pretty nice.

HER: You. Are. Not. Respecting. Me.

ME: Because I looked at her ass?

HER: Yes.

ME: Because I enjoy looking at women?

HER: Yes.

ME: But you know hun, if I didn't like women, I wouldn't be married to you.

HER: You are with me. You shouldn't need to look at other women.

ME: It's not really so much a "need" as a "hobby" really.

HER: What would you do if I was checking out some other guys ass?

ME: Nothing probably. I doubt I would notice.

HER: I hate you.

ME: You love me.

HER: Sometimes. Not now.

ME: That's cool, I'm busy looking at her ass now anyway.

HER: ARRRGGGHH!

I'm amazed she still puts up with me.

 

[gtadroptop]

Any conversation that starts with her saying 'I've been thinking...'.

 

[thinde]

Ahhh, but to most of us, they are a necessary evil.

 

[souldog]

Oh sweet Jesus, what about the, "Hey, I need to talk to you but you have to promise you won't get mad..."

That line alone makes my obsessive compulsive mind wander into a thousand scenarios a second and makes me just want to run away and pound beers at the pub until I pas out.

Oh, that and the whole, "Um..." when you know she wants so say something, but you do that stupid song and dance of, "What?" and she says, "Nothing..." and you go back and forth about thirteen thousand times until you get so damn frustrated and you just leave it alone. Be prepared for an hour later of her bursting into the room wet with tears screaming, "YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME!" secretly you internalize the words, "Sweet Jesus! Protect me from Satan!" but don't have the balls to utter it.



God hates me and I've only been doing this for four years.

 

[CigarStone]

To a woman, the phrase "I'll take care of that tomorrow" actually means "I don't want to talk about this anymore"

One of my personal favorites....She will argue vehemently, and loudly, until you prove her wrong and then say "whatever, it's not important"

 

[cabaiguan juan]

Oh, man. Those are some great stories.

 

[jfields]

My Brother & Sister in Law, my wife and I sitting in a large shopping mall parking lot trying to decide where to eat.

Me: That Mexican Restaurant looks good. What's it like?

Brother & Sister in Law: It's excellent, let's go there.

Me: I'm all for that! I haven't had Mexican food in months.

Wife: I don't want to go there. I don't like Mexican food, and there's never anything for me to eat in those places.

Me: Since when don't you like Mexican Food?

Wife: I never have. I only go when you make such a big deal about wanting it.

Me: Well, tell us where you want to go.

Wife: Can't we just go to T.G.I. FRIDAY'S!

Waiter @ FRIDAY'S: And what would you like for your order Ms.?

Wife: I'll have the Fajita's!

Me: :0

 

[gtadroptop]

Words women use and what they really mean:

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.


Oh, and before we forget:
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

 

[tomthirtysix]

A little background - when going to the city, I have the option of taking the LIRR a couple blocks from my home, and paying ~$25 per person round trip, or driving ~ 15 minutes into Queens and taking the subway for ~$5 per person round trip:

her: so what do you want to do about tomorrow...lirr or subway?

me: subway I guess, save $40

her: taking the subway from forest hills?
think we'll be able to get parking on a saturday that early that isn't at a meter?

me: then where did you want to take the subway from?

her: i want to take it from there, but i just think we need to give ourselves a good amount of time to search for parking that isn't a meter spot

me: is there even unmetered parking around there?

her: down the side streets

me: and the chances of us finding any early on a saturday?

her: well, that's my concern

me: then why not just say 'let's take the lirr tomorrow because...'

her: because i don't really want to spend the money on it

And thus the circle begins...

 

[fourthrail]

ME: Why the f*%k can't you ever just answer a question?
HER: f*%k you!

This one above happens about daily for me.
Just about everything I say gets questioned, criticized, or corrected (even if correct).


BTW, this might be my favorite thread so far.

 

[Devil Doc]

If it's any consolation to you young fellas, all this crap goes away when a woman turns 50. The problem is, can you hold out that long.

Doc

 

[gtadroptop]

If it's any consolation to you young fellas, all this crap goes away when a woman turns 50. The problem is, can you hold out that long.

Doc

No disrespect intended Doc, but you and I must know different women. :laugh:

 

[Devil Doc]

Well, Andy Rooney agrees with me.

Women over 50

Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

* A woman over 50 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

* If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

* A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

* Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

* Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

* A woman over 50 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

* Women over 50 could care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

* Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. They always know.

* A woman over 50 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

* Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

* Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 50+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress.

* Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage......!!!


Doc.​