Thought’s Dad Joke Thread

ggiese

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I went to my first gender reveal party the other day! They told me to pull my pants back up and never come back...

When I first heard about the movie 50 Shades of Gray I immediately thought it was about the paint samples at Lowes...
 
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ggiese

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jfields

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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith.”
 

CigarStone

For once, knowledge is making me poor!
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In a small town in rural America, there were two hardware/general stores, one called Bob's Hardware, and one called Joe's Hardware. One day Bob walked into Joe's Hardware and told Joe he was closing up shop. Joe said "look, we are competitors but we are also friends, I don't want to see you go! Bob explained that he just wasn't making a good living. Joe said "Bob, you just have to learn the art of progressive selling". Bob looked at Joe and just then a guy walks into Joe's Hardware and asks for a 5 lb. bag of grass seed. Joe said " are you sure 5 pounds is enough, how big is your lawn?

The guys explained his lawn and Joe said "I think you need 10 pounds", so the guy bought 10 pounds. Joe then said "do you have fertilizer .... you will need to fertilize it so it will grow properly". So the guy says "okay, give me 10 pounds of fertilizer" ..... Joe says "well, fertilizer doesn't go as far as grass seed, I think you will need 20 pounds" So the guy buys 20 pounds of grass seed. Joe then says "do you have a lawn mower ... you will need a lawn mower sooner than you think". So the guy ends up buying 10 pounds of grass seed, 20 pounds of fertilizer, and a lawn mower.

Bob was amazed so he went back to his store and waited for a customer. A lady walked in and asked for a box of tampons, Bob was flustered and couldn't think what to say so he blurted out "are you sure one box is enough, how big is your ...... er .... um .... I mean are you sure one box is enough?"
The lady was somewhat annoyed and assured Bob that one box was enough as she started to walk out. Bob was now even more frustrated and blurted out "hey, do you want to buy a lawn mower?" The lady very curtly asked "what are you talking about?" Bob said "can't fuck, may as well cut the grass"
 

CigarStone

For once, knowledge is making me poor!
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The judge was not amused when one of the jurors at the Kyle Rittenhouse trial in Kenosha told a bad dad joke to the bailiff...

Oh the dad's in the crowd just can't contain themselves!
Great way to get out of jury duty!

Another great way is to act excited during the selection interviews and tell them you can't wait because you can tell a guilty man from a mile away! :)
 

CigSid

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A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough.

The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them.

I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company".

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."
 

Eqwhipped

whiskey is the flower of my people.
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A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough.

The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them.

I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company".

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."
Wholesome humor right there.
 

CigarStone

For once, knowledge is making me poor!
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A man walks into his bedroom with a chicken under his arm. His wife is laying in bed, he says "this is the pig I am f*×@ing when you're out of town".


His wife says "that's not a pig you idiot".

He says "I was talkin to the chicken".
 
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